Dealing with a Difficult Daughter- or Son-in-Law

Of all the issues that plague parents of adult children, dealing with difficult in-laws is number one. In Parents of Adult Children: You Are Not Alone, I come at this thorny subject from different angles, including Dear Abby-like scenarios. Read the following brief scenarios and see what the panel has to say about them. Then ask yourself, how would you handle it?

His wife won't work

The Romos’ son, Tony, lost his business and went bankrupt a year ago. The Romos know Tony has been struggling ever since to pay the bills, but his wife, Sandra, a trained dental hygienist, refuses to work, even part-time. Tony and Sandra only have one child at home now, an independent high school junior, but Sandra still refuses to pitch in. Her position is they had an agreement that Tony would be the breadwinner and she would be the stay-at-home mom. If Tony can’t provide, she’s feels it’s up to her in-laws to keep them afloat – and in the style to which she’s accustomed. The Romos don’t want to add marital discord to their son’s woes, but this situation is killing them emotionally and financially. What should the Romos do?

• Urge Tony to stand up to Sandra?
• Slip hints to her that it would set a great example for the kids to see them all pull together as a family in this crisis?
• Stay out of it?
  

Our panel weighs in:

Leslie: It is not the Romos’ obligation to shore up this adult family when the wife is perfectly capable of helping out financially. I can see why they’re beside themselves!

Henry: The Romos can only hope that when Sandra sees her lifestyle crumble, she’ll get off her rear. If the Romos subsidize her and Tony, they’re just enabling.

D’mai: The Romos might provide short-term assistance, but they have to steadily reduce the amount and/or set a firm deadline for the “gifts” or “loans” to stop altogether.

Phil: The Romos’ gift to their son should be a counseling session with a financial adviser—with Sandra and possibly even the high school junior in tow. It’s time for all of them to grow up and face the reality of the bankruptcy as a family

When you don't feel welcome

Lily and Barry’s son, Peter, is married to Jill, a woman who insults them and does not make them feel welcome in her home. From what they can see, Peter—with whom they have a very loving relationship—never chides Jill for her behavior toward his parents. Since Lily and Barry don’t want to alienate their only son, they take what she dishes out, but it hurts them to the core.

• Should they confront Peter?
• Tell off Jill?
• Pretend everything is honky dory to keep the peace?

Our panel weighs in:

Cyndi: I’m a pacifist – and an optimist. If they can keep playing along, Jill may stop feeling so threatened by her in-laws and start behaving like a decent human being.

Cyndi: I’m a pacifist – and an optimist. If they can keep playing along, Jill may stop feeling so threatened by her in-laws and start behaving like a decent human being.

Chris: No, the leopard does not change its spots. To maintain their own self-respect, Lily and Barry have to communicate to Jill that her insults are not okay, perhaps by laughing at them.

T.J.: Lily and Barry should definitely NOT confront their son. That would make him choose a side and they would lose.

Alan: Perhaps the parents could have a regular date with their son out of his house, because half a relationship is better than none at all.

Hand up or hand out?

Betsy and Ben’s son-in-law of eight years, Alfie, wants to open a restaurant, but he doesn’t have enough income to qualify for a loan on his own. Now Alfie is asking his in-laws to co-sign with him. The argument against is that restaurants are a very iffy proposition, and Alfie is not an experienced restaurateur.  If the restaurant doesn’t make it, Betsy and Ben would be on the hook for the remainder of the loan, which would jeopardize their retirement. The argument for is that their daughter will hold it against them if they don’t help Alfie realize his dream.

• Should Betsy and Ben follow their head and adhere to Benjamin Franklin’s famous edict, Neither a borrower nor a lender be?
• Should they follow their heart and help out the young couple?
• Should they be full partners in the business with him?

The panel weighs in:

Parker: I’m a soft touch, so I would give Alfie the loan. It’s his daughter’s future we’re talking about here. However, I would attach lots of strings to the loan, such as insisting Alfie go through small business training.

Louise: No, no, no! This is a lark. If Alfie were serious about the new venture, he would have apprenticed at a restaurant and saved up for his new business. I would risk my daughter’s estrangement before I would risk my retirement.

Rob: Betsy and Ben are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. I guess I’d give the kids some money but not so much that it puts my future at risk.

Franny: Oh, why couldn’t the kids have asked Alfie’s parents, instead? His request puts Ben and Betsy in such an awkward position. Ultimately, they should turn him down rather than become his business partner and banker—a sure recipe for disaster.