Falling in Love--and Getting Back Up Again

.Excerpted from The Why Files

I have got to keep my office door locked! But in his seven-year-old way, Jimmy does point out some problems with this slippery word "love."

Part of the problem is that we have one little word for emotions that are as complex as a strand of DNA!

I say, "I love deep-dish pizza." "I love my brother." "I love my best friend." "I love my wife." But obviously, I don’t love Lois the same way I love pepperoni pizza. (Well, there was this one exciting evening that involved spaghetti sauce, but that’s another story!) And I don’t love my kids the same way I love my wife.

Four kinds of love

The Greeks were smart enough to give the world Philosophy 101, gyro sandwiches, the Olympic games, and four—count ’em, four—separate words for love.

Eros, a word that came from the Latin god of hormones, was used to refer to sensual or sexual love. I eros deep dish pizza because it makes my taste buds feel good. In the same way, Ieros the sensation of sea breeze in my face, my ragged Indiana Wesleyan sweat shirt, hot tubs, and sexual pleasure.

Phileo and storge describe friendship love and love for one’s family. I storge my Mom and Dad. I storge my kid brother. I phileo my old college roommate. Iphileo all the people of the world. I phileo anybody who buys this book!

Agape love is a willful, deliberate, I-choose-to-love-you love. (The Latin word is "caritas" from which we get "charity.") This love is not based on warm mushy feelings or even on a relationship. It is unconditional—just like the love Cubs fans have for their team even during its usual losing season.

St. Paul provides us with a classic definition of agape.

Love is patient,
love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails.

With four words for love, things were less confusing in ancient Greece. When Marcus reached over in the back seat of the chariot and whispered, "I love you," in Daphne’s ear, she knew exactly what he had on his mind.

Marcus could have said, "I eros you," which roughly translated would have meant, "Baby, you look hot in that robe Why don’t you take it off!"

He could have said, "I phileo you," which meant, "Let’s be good friends." (Now there’s a phrase both guys and girls fear!) Or perhaps, "I storge you" ("I love you like a sister"), but that somehow wouldn’t have gone with the wine and the moonlight.

Finally, he could have chosen, "I agape you," which would have meant, "I’ve thought this through and have decided that I am going to love you unconditionally no matter what comes our way."

So if someone whispers "I love you" in your ear, you may want to respond with "Hold it right there. Let’s define terms!"

Love triangles

During the dating period, many couples emphasize the eros side of the three-sided "love triangle." But Dr. Frederick Meeker of California State Polytechnic University believes the "half-life" of romantic love is about three months. (If, like me, you didn’t do that well in chemistry, that means if a romance has an intensity of "10," it will degenerate to a "5" in just ninety days. In six months, eros will have eroded  to a 2.5 on the romance Richter scale.)

That’s why most relationships last about six months. Without adequate amounts of phileo and agape, the lop-sided triangle comes crashing down. Love that lasts longer than dinner and a movie, then, is a healthy blend of eros (physical attraction), phileo(friendship), and agape (commitment).

Intersecting love triangles

And, from what side we enter the "love triangle," can also have an effect on the stability of the relationship. We can, as Hollywood would want us to believe, approach love with our hormones (eros). But as I’ve said, eros usually has a diminishing dimension. In the rush of estrogen and testosterone, we’re often blinded to the serious—and sometimes dangerous—flaws in our partner. (Eros love is not only blind, it’s deaf and "dumb".)

That’s why sometime around six months, when the hormonal haze begins to clear, that we start to wonder, "Why am I dating this person?! What was I thinking?!" Relationships entered in to from theeros entrance, very quickly see the "Exit" signs.

Another approach to the love triangle is with our hearts (phileo). Few people want to hear their hopeful partner say, "Let’s just be friends," but this entrance does offer hope for a lasting relationship. Remember those human interest news stories of couples who have been married for seventy-five years? The one’s who look like they’ve just been unearthed by an archaeologist in Egypt? The reporter asks the standard question, "What’s the secret to a long marriage?" Inevitably, they mumble through toothless gums, "Because we’re each other’s best friend."

Being "just friends" takes the pressure—and the masks—off a relationship. You see the person clearly, rationally with all their strengths, weaknesses, good and bad hair days, emotional ups and downs, endearing and annoying habits, positive and negative interactions with other people in a variety of settings, the whole cafeteria line of life. And if you decide, this
is a person you’d like to spend a lot more time with, eros has a chance to develop along with the commitment of agape.

I approached Lois—like most hormone-driven males—from the eros side. (She was gorgeous!) She, however, had just broken up with a guy and only wanted to be friends. We dated a few times, but nothing erotic seemed to be happening, so I decided, "Well, if I can’t have her as a girlfriend, I can at least enjoy having her as a friend."

And so for months, we were just that. I thoroughly enjoyed heavy discussions with her over lunch in the college cafeteria about the Vietnam War, the oil embargo, whether the Beatles would get back together, life after death, whether the Brady Bunch‘s Jan needed professional help, religion, and what type of people were marriage possibilities. She was smart, funny, loved to be with all kinds of people, and enjoyed most of the same things I enjoyed.

I’m really not sure what happened that fateful night in November of 1972. We were driving back from a concert with four other friends, and somewhere on I-294 west of Chicago eros happened! I think it shocked both of us. But by February 1973 we were engaged and thoroughly in phileo, eros, and agape.

The final way to approach a relationship is with one’s head (agape) which would work fine for Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame or in countries where arranged marriages are still contracted. I’m not recommending this approach unless, of course, you’re a Vulcan. But one arranged couple made a good point. "You Westerners bring the pot to a boil, get married, and then take it off the stove. In Eastern cultures, we get married and put the pot on to boil. It starts slow, but we keep it on the stove." I know, I know. It sounds like a fortune cookie!

But here’s my point. Relationships entered into from the eros side face many more challenges for survival than those approached from the phileo front. But without the commitment ofagape love, any relationship is in the express lane to Heartbreak City. (So, if you want agape from your partner, and they’re only interested in other forms of love, take the exit ramp!)

Scalene love triangles

That nice equilateral triangle of love (and our bodies) begins to change shape with time. After observing thousands of couples, Dr. John Money believes romantic love begins to fade after two to three years." An old movie about marriage break-ups is more optimistic with the title "Seven Year Itch." Actually marriages which end in divorce have a median length (same number longer and shorter) of 6.8 years, but that doesn’t make quite as catchy a title. And so, those who buy into the Hollywood illusion that love is strictly eros, despair and divorce.

Marriages, however, that are built on phileo and agape love, can continue to mature and develop—even if slightly out of shape—geometrically and physically.

While Lois and I don’t have the same level of physical passion for one another’s bodies that we once did, there is an even more passionate commitment to one another’s emotional and spiritual well-being. Lois has graciously encouraged a "silly city boy" to pursue his dream of writing and speaking for a living. And I’ve supported Lois as she worked on her graduate degree. We’ve been there for each other when we’ve had to purchase pain pills and anti-depressants in the economical fifty-five-gallon drum. And believe it or not, that’s even more attractive than young love.

Thanks, Pops. I couldn’t have written a better ending!

Related articles:
• Lookin’ for love in all the right places
• Children who marry their parents: the psychology of courtship
• Top ten secrets to staying married 30 years
• Top ten reasons I’m not divorcing my wife

Used by permission from HopeAndHumor.org. Copyright © James. N. Watkins.