Retirement Blues

Recently I chatted with a woman who’s mother recently was discharged from the hospital. She flew across country to be with her parents in this transition, realizing that home care for her father would be increasingly difficult. She planted some seeds and flew back home.

Having spent over ten years in a retirement atmosphere (not as a resident) I picked up a few tidbits on why these residents invested the remainder of their lives in a continuing care retirement community. Let’s go into this just a bit.

As you may be aware, there are all kinds of retirement facilities: for the rich and the poor (and those in between), for various stages of aging and disability, for differing challenges to the pocket book, in a variety of locations (urban, suburban, rural, hot and cold climates, in the mountains and along the shores of rivers, lakes and oceans. Some are simple, others resort-like.

True, some may be better than others in various aspects. Few are all things to all people even though they may hype this in various ways. It is not a bad idea to scout the territory and get a feel for the facility, its residents and staff, its decor and amenities, it fragrance or lack of it (this is quite important when looking at nursing homes).

Motives for going into retirement vary as much as choosing a retirement facility. Some want rest and quiet; others want the place to rock. Some want a secular environment while others yearn for a spiritual atmosphere. Often I heard this plaintive theme: We chose a retirement home as a gift for our kids (even if we spend their inheritance some added). Now we will not be a burden to them when we begin to falter along the way.

Others want no part of a retirement residence. That’s only for old people. They are way to expensive. I don’t want to be around old people 24 hours a day. If I go, they’ll have to wheel me in. This is understandable. Not only are there not enough facilities for all seniors, not all seniors need or want a retirement community much less a nursing home. Back to the daughter mentioned briefly above.

She is concerned for both parents. Her mother is an invalid, confined to a hospital bed or a wheelchair. It is not easy to transport from one to the other, much less to an automobile or bathroom. Her father isn’t getting any younger, or stronger. The handwriting is already on the wall. The answer? Well, at best they are complex causing many tough senior moments.

They can struggle at home until it becomes extremely difficult or impossible. Then what? Custodial help could be brought in on an as-need basis. They could make some modifications to their home (such as ramps, widening doors, altering the bathroom). They could move in with a son or daughter or visa versa. Having lived apart for many years invites some serious adjustments for all parties in spite of some very noble altruism.

The other major alternative is to find a devoted place skilled in caring, either in a home-like or institutional setting. Costs of course must be considered and may impose serious difficulties, particularly in a post nuclear-family culture (rather than an extended-family setting). Now that the traditional family unit in our culture is changing (significant increases in single-parent homes, cohabitation, estrangement, divorce, in-laws, step parents/children, remarriage et al), resources are more limited (including governmental) along with a diminishing obligation of kinfolk. Does the charitable daughter mentioned above represent a growing trend? Maybe. Maybe not.